You should drink more. And if you don’t know exactly when to drink while watching the Oscars on Feb. 24, here are five reasons to have a shot/glass/swig from the bottle:
1. Have a drink of something imported and expensive every time a foreign director/actor/actress/producer winner apologizes for their inability to speak English. Bonus drink if he/she claims not to have prepared a speech.
2. Every time red carpet king Ryan Seacrest clumsily ushers a celebrity away because a more important celebrity is approaching or doesn’t know the name of the non-celebrity companion of a celebrity, drink something festive, preferably with a tiny umbrella.
3. Whenever a good joke is made about Kathryn Bigelow, Ben Affleck and Leonardo DiCaprio not being nominated, have a beer. Do the same when the joke falls flat. Have a shot with the beer when the joke alludes to Quvenzhané Wallis. Have an extra shot when the person telling the joke can’t pronounce Quvenzhané.
4. Seth MacFarlane is bound to make more deeply offensive remarks than any other host in history. Challenge yourself to find out if you can drink a sip of scotch every time he says something terrible and still survive to the end of the broadcast.
5. Pour an entire bottle of champagne over yourself if Anne Hathaway doesn’t win for best supporting actress.
BONUS: When you have counted 20 genuine I-will-cut-you-because-that-Oscar-was-mine faces, you may stop drinking, have a cookie and go to bed. Even if it’s only 10 p.m.